My Own Damn Fault
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: regrets, reflections and selfrecriminations of someone who made a lot of mistakes and is now paying for them.


TITLE: My Own Damn Fault

AUTHOR: Vid Z.

CATEGORY: AU, Drama, Angst, references to Romance

SPOILERS: everything.

TIMELINE: in the alternate future, in 2007.

WARNINGS: don't read if you're a Mac fac. Mac bashing at some points. Only when related to the events that took place on-screen or to things she did in this alternate universe for which she recriminates herself (like marrying Brumby). Don't read if you can't stand Harm/Jen or anything but Harm/Mac.

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTE #1: yep, it's me again. Passed my exams, so I have the time to write again. Here is the first product.

AUTHOR'S NOTE #2: I had the basic idea for this fic a long time ago, but not the exact plot. When the inspiration suddenly came I knew I had to write it down. And here it is.

SUMMARY: regrets, reflections and self-recriminations of someone who made a lot of mistakes and is now paying for them.

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I watch him.

God, he's still gorgeous. Still the best looking man I have ever seen.

He's older now, a few silver hair at his temples, a few more lines on his face. But for the first time since I've met him his eyes are peaceful.

Calm.

He is finally at peace with himself. There is no more sadness and heartache that ruled in those windows of the soul the whole time I've known him. Sadness and heartache that I put there so many times.

He is laughing.

At something a guest of his said.

How many times have I heard him laugh during all those years?

Less than 5 times.

The best he gave at that time was his smile.

But no laughing.

I wanted to bring it out of him, but took the wrong path.

I am older now, when I look in the mirror there is not much left of the beauty I was once so proud of, the beauty that I knew how to use and did use. These last few years weren't kind to me.

The years spent with an abusive, controlling husband.

Yet I have no one to blame but myself.

I gave up everything only to marry a man, who is not only insanely jealous, but also thinks he can sleep with other women. And he does it regularily, several times a week, telling me all about it after. He even had them in our marriage bed. But he beat me up when I did it that one time.

I gave up my career for him, I gave up my country, I gave up my friends, I gave up the man I loved and I gave up myself for this man. A man who is not worthy of the air he breathes.

I gave up everything and I practically married my father.

For a replica of my father he is.

He drinks and he abuses me.

And all this because I acted like a spoiled little girl that night all those years ago.

When the man I wanted asked for more time.

Time to get his life back in order. Time to come to terms with the change in my behaviour towards him, going from treating him like dirt for doing what he had to do for his own peace of mind, to suddenly propositioning him. Going from running ice cold to scaldingly hot.

Now as I look back, wiser, I see how it looked like.

I've been friendly with the man he had always hated after he himself came back to us.

To me.

But I ignored him.

I abused and mishandled him and our friendship.

Used my new rank to mistreat, belittle and demean him.

The rank that I never deserved.

What a sanctimonious and hypocratic prig I was.

I judged and prosecuted people, took away their careers and their freedom for doing what I, myself, did.

Several times.

I went after those who had committed adultery and fraternization with an almost fanatical zeal, while I myself had committed those crimes. Several times, with different men.

And had others pay for me.

Poor John.

He took the punishment for my crimes, had his promising career stall, while my took a boost.

I was a Major at the age when officers of the same age were still 2nd Lieutenants and Lt. (jg), even though they were more competent. Officers like Harm's former partner Lt. Austin. She was 2 ranks below me even though she had more to show for herself, a glorious career, without blemish, spotless record, an accomplished Weapons and JAG officer and still a Lt. (jg). While I had multiple convictions and black marks on my record.

Another boost of career from what effectively killed other people's careers.

Perjury.

Lying on the stand, while under oath.

I did it without blinking.

Without hesitation.

Was found out.

Underwent an Admiral's Mast.

Every single one of these things was and is a career killer by itself, many people even went to prison for perjury, yet I got off without a scratch and even received an early promotion.

I guess I had to pay for it all at some point. Call it karma.

In my arrogance and selfishness I broke a man's heart.

I acted like a spoiled little girl. Pouting, stomping her foot and demanding to be given something right that second. And when I wasn't given what I wanted I threw a tantrum, I screamed, yelled and did something rash and vengeful to show them how little I valued and appreciated them. How little I valued him, who wasn't ready to give me what I wanted right that second.

I went to another man for what I wanted. We both wanted to hurt him, I for my injured pride and he... Well he had his reasons.

Then we showed everyone what we did the night before at that airport.

I can still see the look in his eyes before he turned away to board the plane.

In his eyes I saw his heart breaking and I loved it.

I loved what I did to him and I loved the power and the fact that I had such power over him.

Power to either hurt him or make him happy.

I chose to hurt him instead.

How utterly cruel and foolish I was.

It went downhill from there.

That was the time I completely lost who I once was.

His best friend.

Someone to rely on.

Someone to comfort him and stand by his side no matter what.

Everytime he looked at me at work, I still saw his love for me in his eyes.

I recognized it, yet wasn unwilling to acknowledge it until I heard the words.

The words.

Three little words.

The three little words I was so obssessed with.

Obssessed with hearing them.

Obssessed to the point that I went to another man to hear them. To the man I knew with certainty that he didn't feel them. While the man that did feel them wasn't ready to say them.

How could he have been?

I was wearing another man's ring.

A ring.

A sign of property, of belonging to another man.

And yet, while wearing that sign, I tried to force another man into admitting his feelings for me.

Yet he had always been a man of honor and would never do something as despicable as hitting on another man's woman.

I tried it even on my own engagement party!

Looking back now I disgust myself with how I was.

The games I played. Games with his mind and with his heart. So callous and cruel.

I tried it even on the day before my wedding to the man he hated.

I then forced him to promise to be there to witness me marrying that man.

I knew he would try to keep his promise even if it killed him.

And killed him it almost did.

My fiancee knew just which strings to pull.

He threatened with leaving.

The same way he got me to move the ring.

The ring I still wear on my finger.

I ran after him to the airport and begged him to stay.

Played right by his plans, by his rules and into his trap.

We got married in a rushed ceremony and left for his country that same night.

It was then that I gave up my career that meant so much to me; I gave up my country, I gave up my friends.

And I gave up the man who loved me.

That was the last time I saw him

Until now.

My husband took great pleasure in keeping me updated on my former best friend's life and career.

He was gleeful when months, and then years, went by and my former partner was still single, hadn't even dated anyone.

My husband bought champagne when the best and most honorable man I have ever known was framed for murder. My husband cursed when the man was cleared of guilt.

He also had mixed emotions when he told me 3 years later of the man's wedding. He hated that the man I still loved had found happiness, but took great pleasure in the fact that it caused me pain that it was with someone else. This trip was also my husband's idea. To torment me further. To show me what could've been. Had I been smart enough and not so spiteful, vengeful and foolish.

There is no way of getting over Harmon Rabb Jr., no way to stop loving him.

I learned this lesson during these past few years. The only way is death.

I see her now.

She is approaching him.

She is truly gorgeous.

Brown hair, brown eyes, a radiant smile, a figure any woman would die for. Younger than me.

And she is carrying a small baby in her arms.

My heart twists in my chest.

The baby that I wanted to carry.

The baby I will never have.

Neither with the man I love, neither with my husband.

For one thing my husband had never told me before we got married is that he is sterile.

Always has been, always will be.

I will never have the children I've always wanted.

He even took that away from me.

But perhaps it is for better.

His genes should not be passed down.

She has the life that I always wanted. That I still want.

She carries his name.

No hyphenating and no keeping her maiden name.

I know she did it willingly, for Harm would never force a woman into anything. Wouldn't even think of doing it.

She wears it with pride.

I am sure of it, for any woman would wear it with pride.

She is the mother of his child. And of certain future children.

Harm was an only child, I always knew he would want more than one child.

She is the one who get's to insure that the Rabb family will go on.

She has everything that I've ever wanted: his love, his name, his child, his undying commitment and devotion, a life with him. She is everything that I'm not.

She is also someone he helped.

He always had a weak spot for anyone in trouble or in need.

It's a part of him I have always loved and hated at the same time.

Loved, because he is so selfless and would do anything to help others.

Hated, because it drew his attention away from me.

Some people accused him of having a 'superman complex'. Oh, how little they understand him.

He does not have a complex, least of all a 'superman complex'.

He is just someone who truly cares. Who truly cares for other people. And he is also in the position to help others. That is not a superman complex. If it were, everyone who has ever helped anyone else or donated to charity would have that complex. It's simply selfless caring for others.

From what my husband told me, she was an enlisted when they met a few months after my wedding and she then went with him as his Yeoman when he got his much-deserved promotion to Captain and his own command.

The Force Judge Advocate, Naval Forces Europe.

The stepping stone to becoming the JAG.

Something everyone had always known he would become.

She retired when her enlistment was up.

They were married a little over a year later.

Now it's another year later.

The smile that encompasses his face has nothing on the smile I once saw.

It's contentment, happiness, love, adoration, peace, all rolled into one.

It is clear how much he loves his wife and his child.

It is clear how much they love him.

The baby is reaching it's hands towards him. He takes it in his arms with tender care and love.

His wife smiles gently as she watches them. The love and happiness written clearly on her face. She truly glows with it. It is like a halo around her. She knows what she has and also knows to value and appreciate it.

I wish you a happy and long life together, Harm and Jennifer Rabb.

And as I turn away to go back to my husband and the life I chose in a string of rash and stupid decisions, I see something that breaks my heart.

He is looking at her in almost the same way he looked at me once.

And I can blame no-one but myself for not being the one receiving that look and watching him hold our baby in his arms. It's your own damn fault, Sarah Brumby, my inner voice whispers.

My own damn fault.

THE END

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Think about something, people. This wasn't bashing because: Mac in this fic is a mature, wiser woman who is looking back on her life, the mistake she had made and she is regretting them and is regretting how she behaved. She is recriminating herself. The Mac of the present time is mature, wiser and smarter; and in the end she selflessly wishes Harm and Jen a long and happy life together and leaves without even trying to do anything that would spoil their happiness.

That isn't bashing. Hell, that is almost praising her, because she is mature enough to recongize her faults, her mistakes and regret them and regret how she hurt others with her actions. She is now a good, honest, wise, mature person. How is that bashing?

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About **Harm/Jen having an illegal relationship** and me bashing him because of wanting him in jail: load of crap. A RETIRED enlisted CAN marry an ACTIVE officer. An ACTIVE enlisted CAN marry an ACTIVE officer, provided they did not have a romantic and/or sexual relationship prior to their marriage. I know of real examples of ACTIVE DUTY enlisted and ACTIVE DUTY officers being married to each other. In actuality, the frat regs could come under fire for being in direct conflict with basic human rights of choosing one's own significant other. In this fic Jen waited until she was retired and only then did she go after Harm. They got married one whole year after her retirement.

When you look at it, Mac/Cheggwidden is more illegal since he's her direct CO, than Harm/Jen cause Harm is not Jen's CO. And the M&C fandom is A LOT bigger than H&J fandom, there is a bigger age gap between M&C than there is between H&J. And I don't personally know of examples of M&C fics getting flak because of the age thing, nor because of being illegal, while H&J fics do constantly.

**Section 5.1.3.1. of the Air Force Instruction 36-2909 (USAF internal frat regs, the same as in the UCMJ) says**: "The fact that an officer is married to an enlisted member is not, by itself, evidence of misconduct. For example, **some** officer-enlisted marriages are created by the commissioning of civilians married to enlisted members, or by the commissionin of enlisted members married to other enlisted members. Other officer-enlisted marriage **may** result from force reductions and nonselection for promotion of some officers who the reverted to enlisted status. **Regardless of how** the officer-enlisted marriage came to be, married members are expected to respect all customs and courtesies observed by members of differengrades when they are on duty, in uniform in public, or at official social functions."

Meaning, there are more than just these ways of such a marriage coming into existence and being legal, and they all have to act profesionally while on-duty while being fully permitted to be married with all the rights and obligations of a married couple.

I researched the frat regs long and hard before even attempted writing Harm/Jen fics. Also please note that in every single one of my Harm/Jen fic they are not a couple until the frat regs no longer stand for the two of them. Either they decided to marry without prior dating, or one of them resigned, or Jen became an officer.

Frat regs are not perfect, they have holes, BIG holes, especially because they were written as an aid in trying to prevent homosexual relationships among the ranks.

At the time they were first written there were no women in the military and most, if not all, higher ranking officers were religious and with frat regs they tried to take another angle at preventing homosexual relationships, which was considered a sin back then. The frat regs allow marriage... men weren't allowed to get married at the time... women who were liable for marriage weren't in the military at that time.

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Since author's notes are not permitted as independent chapters and the person didn't not have the decency, integrity nor honor to provide real name and mail address so I could respond directly and privately and not here, but called themselves "Why this is Mac-bashing" and hid their identity, I will have to answer their points here:

1. you are forgetting that Michael Brumby was an already abusive man at the time Mac dated him and was later engaged to him. A lot of his actions show an emotionally abusive and emotionally manipulative character... for example when he dressed in his uniform and threatened Mac to leave back for Australia if she didn't move the ring. Or the way he behaved at the office party towards her and then managed to turn it around so SHE apologized to HIM. And when he reminded her so many times what he gave up for her in order to force her into something.

Please also remember that Mac was determined to marry him, went after him to the airport and begged him to stay. The only difference between canon and my fic is that in this alternate reality they got married and left for his home, where he became further abusive. 

Following this, in this alternate reality fic she married a man who was already proven to be abusive.

I am sad to say that I had dealings with his type and all the signs were there with him. Abuse normally doesn't start out as total abuse, but at first it's subtle and then slowly escalates over time. Joe Mackenzie didn't beat his wife the moment they got married or when they started dating, that came only with time and after taking control of her life and after he started emotionally abusing her. The same would've happened with Brumby.

2. Mac was completely dependent on him. She had no own money, no property, she was an Australian citizen, she had no job, she lived in a foreign country with a foreign culture... Had she left him, she would have to live on the streets. A fic by Pat Steiner deals with exactly this topic and no-one flamed her for sticking Mac with an abusive man or accusing her of Mac-bashing because of it. There are a lot of fics out there where the authors have Mac in an abusive relationship, but the authors were never flamed or accused of bashing. Besides, she already had one failed marriage behind her, that fact would perhaps have her denying to herself that she failed the second one and hoping that things would eventually change or that she could somehow make it work. 

3. please read the previous paragraph.

4. this fic is Mac's POV, in the summary itself it talked about SELF-recriminations, REGRETS, reflections of someone who made mistakes. People who do the self-recriminations and regrets are their own worst judges. Our conscience is our own worst judge, unmatched by anything a court can dish out.

And because it's about self-recriminations and regrets Mac won't go listing Harm's mistakes, because she will be so focused on her own that she would ignore everything else. Thus Mac would ignore Harm's errors because of her focus.

Harm said NOT YET, he didn't say NEVER. After 3 years of knowing the man Mac still didn't know him enough or wasn't willing to listen to what he really meant. She blindsided him with the sudden turn of conversation. I know I wouldn't have faired better if I were him. Very few men would've faired better. You have to also keep in mind that his personal and professional lives were a complete mess and that Mac has spent the time since he came back shutting him out and showing him that she didn't need him in her life, neither personal nor professional. Suddenly she was proposing a one-night-stand ("We're not in Washington anymore"-which means that when they were back there it would be over) and when he asks for more time to get his life back in order she goes to another man which proves to him he didn't mean anything to her. True, Harm could've responded a lot better, but please take into account all the points I have made and what an effect such a shock can have on a man who thinks everything through and only then acts. Contrary to fanon, Harm does think things through and then act. He is a very intelligent man (has to be one to be one of the best lawyers in the military) and his thought processes are thust fast, which means he thinks things through quickly. 

5. Mac deliberately pulled her new rank on him. No friend would do that. Started with the "King of the greeny board." where she never even told him of her promotion. There's no excuse for her pulling rank on him in a private environment. I was enlisted in the military, had officer friends and when we were alone we used first names for each other; and we definitely weren't as close as H&M were. Going from being called "Harm" to "Commander Rabb" hurts. A lot. And she knew it. The process of regaining his flight status started long before Chloe decided to leave. It couldn't have been stopped without major consenquences for his career.

If a person is single without children, then their FIRST priority is themself, only THEN other people. It's called _SELF-PRESERVATION_.

Harm and Mac were not involved at that point, they were just friends and friends come into consideration when making decisions about one's own life only in second place to oneself.

Mac had no scruples leaving JAG when she went to work for Dalton, seduced by a Porsche, money and fame. She never took Harm into consideration when making that decision, so why should he have? It's a two-way street.

Harm had to close that chapter of his life once and for all before he could move on with Mac.

Harm does has brains, otherwise he wouldn't become a Captain and be on the fast lane to JAG, besided having an unmatched record in court (18 wins and 4 losses against Mac, all on a Mac-fan site, called Mac on JAG, http//www. maconjag2. tvheaven. com/ id37. htm - without the spaces), a mass of highest medals, a lot of friends,...

How could he wait a little? Everything was already arranged, Cheggwidden had already done Harm a big favor and talked to Nelson, his orders have been cut,.. there was no way he could've waited a little without risking being court martialled or discharged from the Navy.

Harm did promise her to be back with his baby deal. He showed her he is interested in her as a woman, as a wife, as a mother of his children. There is no higher interest and honor a man like Harm can show a woman. By being a single child, being old fashioned when about family and marriage and having lost his father, with that he also promised Mac a lifetime commitment aka marriage. He wouldn't have let a kid of his own grow up without his father and the security of a marriage. But he couldn't have just proposed because he didn't know how Mac would react and because he was leaving.

You can't blame loneliness on anyone. It happens, it's a process of life, life is constantly moving, never standing still, not something to be blamed over.

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While the first part of your review was more or less constructive critique, the last part was plain bashing. I definitely DO NOT want Harm to go to jail. I DO want however for Harm to have happiness, and in my opinion he would have that with someone other than Mac, since the years of their 'relationship' only made him (and her) miserable and all the issues and resentments there were between them on both sides would ultimately sink that relationship, IMHO.

None of the pairings I write are illegal if taken proper steps, which ARE taken in the fics. Neither one of my fics end with affairs, they all end with committed relationships, mostly with marriage. Where I come from (a modern country in the Middle Europe that was part of Austria for over 1000 years, thus being subjected to and a source of the culture, progress, way of living and thinking,... For example: Vega, a world known mathematician and founder of today's artillery and ballistic laws was from my country) most marriages last a long time if not until death, which is what I have in mind for the two I write about.

All of the fics I write are between two consenting, equal, ADULTS. Harm and Loren were on very few cases together over the years, and frat regs don't apply when they were not working on a same case. Harm and Meg are both adult and I usually end those fics with marriage. Harm and Jen are both adults and I always end those fics with marriage after making sure that the regs are followed. I'm not even gonna touch your last suggestion, because it was plainly disgusting and meant as the worst kind of bashing possible. Please, if you can't write reviews without bashing, don't even bother writing them, because they won't be appreciated by any writer, not just me.

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By sole definition **HARM/MAC RELATIONSHIP IS MORE ILLEGAL THAN ANYTHING THAT I WRITE. **Mac is the Chief of Staff, she evaluates the staff's performance on the job and recommends them to Cheggwidden for promotions or advances, she is their direct superior. Harm is her direct subordinate, which is why their relatinship never happened and not because of Harm. DPB himself said that it didn't happen because of the regs. **Thus Harm and Mac's relationship is as illegal as any CO/subordinate relationship**, for which Mac has already once been convicted (Farrow). Unless one of them transferred, their relationship would've been illegal unless they got married without dating and/or sex. Dating for them only became legal once they got transferred.

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And lastly, **IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I WRITE, THEN DON'T READ IT! **

You are not being forced to read it, if you don't like it just close the window and move on.


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